I take pride in being able to pinpoint the reasons for when I feel anger, resentment, or jealousy, whose causation is usually not apparent. I am good at reasoning even when I am euphoric, meaning I have the ability to feel joy while keep in mind its volatility. But for all this is worth, I cannot follow my own logical advice, which tells me to respect myself and move on. If I don't respect myself, what right do I have to be angry when you don't?
If I can't stand up for myself when it comes the time to make decisions about us, who am I to blame but myself when I am stuck in a situation that leaves me the loser? Of course if I don't give any input, then you have all right to turn the situation into whatever benefits you. This, I am well aware. But when I resolve to no longer contact you and tell myself I am better than all this, you find a way back in my life. You appear when I think I'm making progress, and disappear as soon as I realize I have not.
It would be too convenient for me to blame you. To accuse you of using me or stringing me along. Knowing that this affects you so little makes it all the harder on me. It's embarrassing to realize that what I dramatized to be the cold shoulder was just you living your life normally. That your insistence on leaving emotions out of it was, indeed, because you had no emotions to put into it. That maybe your kindness is lingering feelings, when in fact, you're just being a nice guy. I know just as well as you that you're not at fault. You always give me the option to walk away, but it is not your responsibility to care when I choose not to. If anything, this hurts me more than if you acted like the bad guy, because at least if you did, I could have a reason to be angry.
You tell me to "learn from this mistake" with good intentions, but this advice is outdated since I have already done so without your prompting. I took a way a lot from this experience though I'm sure not many can tell. My emotions and unexplainable attachment to you keeps me from acting on my new found knowledge and thus, I continue to look like the awkward girl that tries all too hard for your affection.
Do you see where my frustration stems? I know all of this, and yet there's no progress. I still get excited when you contact me first or ask to Skype. Constantly acting like a modern day, social media Gatsby, I wait and reach for the green light, except that light is a dot by your name on chat. The weight of the disappointment I feel when I see a received stamp, but no response, disgusts me.
Why do you have so much power over me?
Vicki
