A few of the things that I think about excessively or stand out in my mind as particularly important:
- My absolute refusal to fail or seem sub par allows no room for growth or to even do the bare minimum that is required of me.
- Wondering whether our perception distorts the reality of our experiences, or if the way we experience an event is reality and there are just many realities happening at once, unique to each person.
- Many of my problems in life are due to a lack of action, rather than a lack of thinking. Should I really even be thinking this much? Maybe I should stop this whole self-reflection business and just do something instead.
- There is no doubt in my mind that I am intelligent. And yet, why do I feel like I have nothing to contribute in this world? I feel hopelessly unaccomplished.
- I am lazy. As in, my laziness is so astounding that it has a bullet point of its own on a list like this.
So.
2 is an example of 3, 3 and 4 are related, and 1 causes 5 which causes 4. (Damn. I didn't write this list with the intention of being able to draw parallels like that, but it just shows that by writing thoughts down it becomes easy to see that more often than not, how we feel greatly affects how we act and perceive things.)
Regarding 5, I realized that laziness is pretty inherent in teenagers. It is only by finding a passion for something that a person becomes a true workaholic. By falling in love with your work, yes, in the moment, the day-to-day is a chore but it becomes a welcomed stepping stone to a goal, rather than a burden. I don't know what my passion is yet, but recently I have been writing and creating art with a sort of desperation, hoping I might find said passion in hobbies from the past. I find that I do enjoy it quite a bit, but I'm not sure it's the "spark" I'm looking for. Regardless, I will continue drawing and painting because it's certainly fulfilling in a healthy and stimulating way.
For 4, I really thought about this earlier today when I had a strong urge to write but simply could not after reading the blog of a person I recently met who is more successful than I'll ever be. The content he wrote about made me realize that everything I have written about up to this point are pretty petty and substanceless. I now understand that this is because I don't do anything. In essence, my thoughts are a liquid that have no solid container. I am left with raw thought and perspective that have no physical action to attach itself to. *Basically, I need to apply the thoughts that has been so carefully cultivated in my mind to something worldly so it becomes tangible and useful. Only then will my writing move from abstract to truly meaningful.
And when I say 2 is an example of 3, this is me admitting that yes, I realize that I think way too much, and do way too little. A question like 2 is nice to ponder about when there is free time, but truly, given my situation I don't have the time for philosophical contemplation. At this point in my life, I have well exceeded my spiritual and mental exploration of self, and need to fix, push, and better my physical self. Existential crises will have to wait.
In conclusion, this post was me quite literally carrying out the description in my side bar: "...to spill my emotions, in hopes of learning from the mess it makes." I will be amazed if anyone read this entire thing and kind of hope no one does. I fear I'm going to read back on this and realize I am making no sense whatsoever and I sound like an idiot hashing out very obvious statements in a very roundabout and dumb sounding way.
The perfectionist in me cringes that there is no conclusion to this rant but in any case, it's time to sleep and I feel more in control after creating a little more clarity regarding all of this.
Vicki.
*Thanks to my best friend for talking through this point with me. I can always count on you to help me sort out my thoughts<3
