Tomorrow is today

The past week has slowly transitioned me into what used to be the distant future. It scares me that what I regarded as "later," has officially become the "now." There is no more "maybes," or "we'll sees," it's all happening. And it's happening very quickly.

I have an uneasy premonition for the year to come. Although not yet apparent, my easy continuance of poor habits from last year have once again manifest themselves into my daily (lack of) routine. I hoped that living alone would force me to come to terms with having to be alone sometimes. But as it turns out, it thus far has only led me to rely even more on my line sisters to keep me company.

Already, I have disappointed myself with not following through on the many promises I made when "today," was "tomorrow." But, I want to focus on the positives. My place is finally settled in. I slept by myself for the second night in a row. (For anyone who doesn't know, I've never really slept alone before and I'm very scared of the dark lol.) I woke up at 8:30AM, made myself breakfast and am now blogging. It sounds pretty mundane, but these are mini accomplishments for me and I'm going to take pride in them and continue to build on the little things to make for greater habits. 

All in all, I am taking a more somber approach to this school year. I do not radiate the impenetrable positivity I had last year, because it obviously didn't do me much good. But I now find a balance between being realistic, hopeful, and being ready to put in work.

Cheers, everyone. Good luck. May all of our expectations and dreams come within reach this year.

Vicki.

Ok on a side note, this contradicts the whole focusing on positive vibes thing but I have to rant. I WANT MY STUFF BACK ASSHOLE. Still missing my extension cord, glasses, alarm clock and various textbooks. Just take a second to look for my shit and I'll be out of your life for good... Jesus. Ok bye.

Napervillains

Naperville and other places of privilege can be so disappointing and embarrassing. A friendly reminder that our snobbishness runs far deeper than the criterias of wealth we passed in a magazine's ranking last month. This topic in itself is well deserving of its own post but the quote and my friend's concluding sentence below sum up this occurrence quite simply. (Click on her name to go to her post she wrote because I think she did a good job of writing a reprimand that all spoiled, suburban kids should take note of.)

Teach the ignorant as much as you can; society is culpable in not providing a free education for all and it must answer for the night which it produces. If the soul is left in darkness sins will be committed. The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but he who causes the darkness.

Les Misérables - Victor Hugo 

You'd think that with more education, more opportunity and more money, you'd learn to have a bit more compassion.

- missorrowrei 

^^^It's really as simple as that. 

Hashing out my thoughts, big time

Recently I have been exploring and uprooting my principles and ethics. Being an extremely stubborn person, this makes me wildly uncomfortable. However, I've been feeling weary and broken for far too long, and before I build myself up to be the person I wish to see in the future, I have to know that I'm building this person on a solid foundation. Thus, I think reconsideration and/or validation of the basics is a must. (Well, view #3 for this one)

A few of the things that I think about excessively or stand out in my mind as particularly important:

1. My absolute refusal to fail or seem sub par allows no room for growth or to even do the bare minimum that is required of me.
2. Wondering whether our perception distorts the reality of our experiences, or if the way we experience an event is reality and there are just many realities happening at once, unique to each person.
3. Many of my problems in life are due to a lack of action, rather than a lack of thinking. Should I really even be thinking this much? Maybe I should stop this whole self-reflection business and just do something instead.
4. There is no doubt in my mind that I am intelligent. And yet, why do I feel like I have nothing to contribute in this world? I feel hopelessly unaccomplished.
5. I am lazy. As in, my laziness is so astounding that it has a bullet point of its own on a list like this. 

So.

2 is an example of 3, 3 and 4 are related, and 1 causes 5 which causes 4. (Damn. I didn't write this list with the intention of being able to draw parallels like that, but it just shows that by writing thoughts down it becomes easy to see that more often than not, how we feel greatly affects how we act and perceive things.)

Regarding 5, I realized that laziness is pretty inherent in teenagers. It is only by finding a passion for something that a person becomes a true workaholic. By falling in love with your work, yes, in the moment, the day-to-day is a chore but it becomes a welcomed stepping stone to a goal, rather than a burden. I don't know what my passion is yet, but recently I have been writing and creating art with a sort of desperation, hoping I might find said passion in hobbies from the past. I find that I do enjoy it quite a bit, but I'm not sure it's the "spark" I'm looking for. Regardless, I will continue drawing and painting because it's certainly fulfilling in a healthy and stimulating way.

For 4, I really thought about this earlier today when I had a strong urge to write but simply could not after reading the blog of a person I recently met who is more successful than I'll ever be. The content he wrote about made me realize that everything I have written about up to this point are pretty petty and substanceless. I now understand that this is because I don't do anything. In essence, my thoughts are a liquid that have no solid container. I am left with raw thought and perspective that have no physical action to attach itself to. *Basically, I need to apply the thoughts that has been so carefully cultivated in my mind to something worldly so it becomes  tangible and useful. Only then will my writing move from abstract to truly meaningful.

And when I say 2 is an example of 3, this is me admitting that yes, I realize that I think way too much, and do way too little. A question like 2 is nice to ponder about when there is free time, but truly, given my situation I don't have the time for philosophical contemplation. At this point in my life, I have well exceeded my spiritual and mental exploration of self, and need to fix, push, and better my physical self. Existential crises will have to wait.

In conclusion, this post was me quite literally carrying out the description in my side bar: "...to spill my emotions, in hopes of learning from the mess it makes." I will be amazed if anyone read this entire thing and kind of hope no one does. I fear I'm going to read back on this and realize I am making no sense whatsoever and I sound like an idiot hashing out very obvious statements in a very roundabout and dumb sounding way.

The perfectionist in me cringes that there is no conclusion to this rant but in any case, it's time to sleep and I feel more in control after creating a little more clarity regarding all of this.

Vicki.

*Thanks to my best friend for talking through this point with me. I can always count on you to help me sort out my thoughts<3

The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet it is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: Small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.

The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien 

Unnamed

Chalk pastel/pencil

These words will end up being the barest of reflections, devoid of the sensations words cannot convey. Trying to write about love is ultimately like trying to have a dictionary represent life. No matter how many words there are, there will never be enough.

The Lover's Dictionary - David Levithan 

Summertime gladness

This summer has undoubtedly been one of the loneliest. By being in a mostly rural area, paired with a large cultural and generational gap between myself and my grandparents, and losing my phone, I was somewhat isolated from social interaction. As an extrovert, this was hard for me, but it has brought to light many character flaws I have. And one of the most severe of them is how much I hate being alone, and how pertinent it is to fix this problem.

 I have always been scared of being alone. I have a very real fear of being forgotten or becoming irrelevant. I think that, though not as blatantly as I have stated it above, our generation as a whole suffers from this anxiety too. Why else for all the different social media platforms where we post things that more or less boil down to the message of, "Hey, look at me. Pay attention to me"? Even this blog, a collection of my most intimate thoughts, is, in essence, a product of wanting to remain connected to people. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected to others. Human beings are social in nature. However, we have come to a point where we reach out not for social interaction, but oftentimes to fulfill and forget something missing within ourselves instead.

Throughout my life, I have sought the approval of other people because I thought it meant I was wanted. I belong. And because I belong, because I am wanted, I am worth something. But, for example, after one bad romantic relationship after another, I soon realized that being wanted is not enough. Being wanted by others mean nothing when you do not want for yourself. When we fill ourselves with the approval of others, their disapproval can just as easily leave us emptier than what we had started with.

By being in a place where I was opposite the beauty standard, I was reminded that self confidence is more relevant than anything you'll ever see reflected in a mirror. By being in a place where I couldn't express myself due to language disconnect, I learned that your intelligence is not based on how smart others perceive you to be, but the thoughts that you cultivate on your own.

In the end, it's truly up to you, what becomes of you. No amount of likes, retweets or page views can change what you do for yourself and what you think of yourself. Especially, when no one is watching. So no, I have not fully gotten over my fear of becoming irrelevant. I still enjoy the narcissism that is social media, but I think I'm taking a step in the right direction.

Cogito ergo sum. I think therefore I am.

Vicki